There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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