I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
