Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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