you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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