i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
