didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
