You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
