in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
