I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
