i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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