my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize