i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
