Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
