How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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