U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
