# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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