She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
