dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
