I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
