just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
