There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
