do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
