from now on my penis is your penis
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
