was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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