ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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