i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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