Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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