So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
