the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
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thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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