I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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