Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Panties = found
Randomize