Welp...herpes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
