Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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