gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
