I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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