How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
