Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
