Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
