My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
