So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
