do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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