I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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