I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
