If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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