tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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