just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
