Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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