So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
