He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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