I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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