I feel great
I just peed on a car
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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