Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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