You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
