I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
