We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
