Porn is love you can see.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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